There are myths out there that people assume to be gospel about dating. Christian culture is like any other in that we develop truisms that we accept without checking. There are things floating around that have little or nothing to do with the Bible. Most are well intended and contain a nugget of truth. It is quite difficult to meet christians without going through all this misinformation, so let’s debunk some myths. There are many of them, but let’s focus on what I believe are the top five myths that make dating more difficult for Christian men.
Myth #1: “God has a woman chosen for you to marry.” » “You are meant to be with her, and God will guide you to her. »
Good luck finding this one in the Bible. There is a lot about God’s will for His people, God wanting good things for you, and God’s ultimate plan. Nowhere, however, does it say that God has chosen a spunky brunette who he expects to spring upon you at just the right time. I’m not saying he doesn’t do it. When it comes to God, I’m pretty careful about saying what He does or doesn’t do. But I know that this — If you rely on this idea too much, your dating life is going to get really confusing.
Some Christians take great comfort in the idea that God will do the heavy lifting when it comes to dating. God will tell them if a relationship is right, and God will end it if it isn’t. All they have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. This may be the biggest excuse men use for being lazy in relationships, much less finding one.
German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer addresses this question in a wedding sermon he wrote for his sister from a Nazi prison cell. It says that God joins the relationship between a man and a woman at the point of marriage. Before that, the couple must take the initiative. Rather than directing the course of the relationship, God wants the couple to grow and learn to make a commitment. Once they do this, God increases his lasting presence.
I’m not saying God doesn’t have a will when it comes to your love life. God may, in fact, have a spunky brunette in mind, and He is directing you to her as you read this. But the Bible will not promise that God will provide a loving relationship for you while you sit back and do nothing. But, as in all things, it’s best to seek his advice. The Bible promises that He will provide whenever we ask. Trust in God’s love, wisdom, and enduring presence as you date. Although God won’t do all the work for you, He will be with you every step of the way.
The good news is that most men don’t have a problem with this. Regardless of your theology on the predestination of girlfriends, you are probably eager to be an active participant in your dating life. This brings us to our next myth.
Myth #2: “The Bible has clear guidelines for dating.” »
People did not meet on the internet in biblical times. Dating as a socially accepted way of finding a mate has been around for less than a century. Before that, strict court rituals governed the path to marriage. Who you married wasn’t even yours most of the time. Falling in love before getting married or committed is a twentieth-century concept – century. dating site that we know happened after marriage. In college, I had an older professor from Japan whose marriage was arranged. He mocked modern dating, saying, “when you get married now, the fun is over.” In an arranged marriage, the fun starts after the wedding! (No, this was not a suggestion for you to set up an arranged marriage.)
For the Hebrews and the early church, dating was not an issue to be addressed in Scripture. Sex and marriage were, but not dating site. When the Bible was written, a person was basically given one of three options: remaining single, an amoral life with multiple partners or prostitutes, or an arranged marriage. There were court rituals in place, but nothing resembling what we consider dating today.
The church has reached a difficult crossroads when it comes to – Romance wedding. We no longer have the rituals of courtship and arranged marriage to guide us every step of the way. This leaves a lot of room for error. It has also spawned a whole range of opinions and advice on how to deal with dating. A look at the many books on love, dating, and marriage suggests that we do a lot of what we go along with.
Of course, there are biblical principles that are essential in dating. If you follow the biblical prescriptions for gentleness, respect, sexual purity, and kindness (Galatians 5:19 – 23), you are bound to make much better decisions in dating situations. Your head and heart should be in Scripture at all times, but you won’t find specific guidelines for dating. Is it okay to kiss before marriage? The answer is not in the Bible (although the Song of Solomon gives us a clue). What if we went out on dates alone? No, not there either. The Bible provides some crucial relationship principles but does not address the specifics.
This requires more decision making – do on your part. You can no longer follow the rituals of the archaic Court. (At least I don’t advise it.) Asking a woman’s father if you can date his daughter without consulting her first might be a good way to never get a first date.) You don’t either plus a biblical field manual that tells you how to behave in all situations. It is up to you to be in prayer and conversation with your Christian community about these things. You’re going to have to think, speak, pray, and be willing to make mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, let’s look at our next myth.
Myth #3: “God will tell you the woman you are going to marry the moment you meet her.”
If that’s true, I screwed up somewhere. I thought my wife was out of my league when I met her. We had a nice conversation, but I left thinking she didn’t want to date a guy like me. Either way, I didn’t get a divine telegram saying, “It’s her!” Start picking up models from China!
Waiting for God to whack you over the head and tell you who to marry is not faith; It’s fear. Many people want nothing to do with dating because of the risk and potential pain it involves. This is certainly understandable, as dating can have traumatic results under unhealthy circumstances. But what do you think will serve us better in the long run? Growing and suffering in the process of learning or a revelation that allows us to drop out? I wish I had known that the beautiful woman I was talking to would one day be my wife, but I might not have worked as hard to earn her hand in marriage. I would have missed out on a lot of experiences that made me a better man.
Be careful if you think God told you that Betty from the bookstore is the one for you, but you have no idea if she feels the same way. If you’re diving in, convinced you’re on a mission from God, and she’s not sure yet, this is a quick way to scare her. Our unconscious can launch powerful feelings that sometimes mistake for a message from God. Maybe she was nicer to you than anyone you’ve met in a long time. She might be the first woman you know who loves crackers as much as you do. Or maybe she just fell – magnificent death. Of course, a woman who is nice, white – hot cute, and loves jacks crackers might be someone you want to ask out on a date. I wouldn’t go shopping yet. Especially if you want a second date.
Myth #4: “You have to be friends with a woman before you can date her.”
This is the point where I could unpick some of you, so let me appease your anger before explaining this myth. I’m not saying you can’t or shouldn’t be friends before dating. I’m also not talking about a man and a woman who are interested in each other and agree to be friends for a period of time before dating. Some of the most successful relationships begin in friendship. Sometimes you don’t even know you want to date someone until you’re friends with them. I’ve met couples who were friends for years and then fell in love. It’s a great way to start a relationship.
The problem is that many men think the best way to pursue a woman is to befriend her while hiding their interest in dating her. This is a rotten idea and puts a lot of men in danger.
Tommy was a client of mine who tried this approach. He had been interested in a woman at his church for a few months, but he was terrified of rejection. So he tried his best to become her friend, never letting on that he wanted to be her boyfriend. He walked her to church, had coffee with her, and talked to her on the phone two or three times a week. When she needed help or support, Tommy was there. But he never invited her. Then another man in the church asked her out, and she agreed. When she shared the news with Tommy, he was devastated. He told her about his true feelings, and she was shocked. She was hurt that he didn’t tell her sooner and expressed regret that he never asked her out. However, she refused to go out on the date with the other guy. It proved the end of their friendship, and Tommy withdrew in frustration and despair.
You have to be honest about what you do. Don’t have any illusions and don’t lie to him. Be friends all you want, but if you want to date her, she needs to know and you need to ask her out.
Some people distinguish romantic encounter between Christians » of “friendship” based on one thing: physical intimacy. More precisely, kiss. A man and woman who are interested in each other remain “friends” by going out only on group dates and refraining from intimate contact of any description. Apparently that means they’re not dating.
Friendship and dating on the web are categorically different. Of course, you have to be friends with the person you’re dating, but there’s a lot more to it. The emotional “heat” that occurs between people in a romantic relationship is both more exhilarating and more complicated than friendship. People have higher expectations for someone they are considering for marriage. Friendship cannot contain the emotions, intensity and intimacy that dating does. If you and a woman are hot for each other, you’re not “just friends.” “I don’t care if you go out alone or with the whole church choir. It also doesn’t matter if you wear a hazmat suit and stay ten feet away from her at all times. If Romance is the goal of a man/woman relationship, they are dating. Confuse it with friendship at your peril.
Myth #5: “A man’s sexuality is a fierce, snarling beast that should be kept in a cage until he is married.”
I admit I’ve never heard that said, but the implication is there. Any lecture or book on dating inevitably includes something about sex (and, yes, this one does too). Often the message is “control yourself!” Your Sex Drive is out to get you! It’s just waiting for a weak moment to pounce and turn you into a nymphomaniac and demolish your soul. And then we wonder why so many Christians end up with sexual problems, before and after marriage.
The Bible tells us to save sex for marriage (1 Cor. 7:2). This is crucial. But you already knew that. The problem is that we tend to emphasize this prohibition and leave it. No one talks about premarital sex because premarital sex is bad.
This leaves us with a small problem. Our sexuality is part of who we are from the moment we are born. If you take away a man’s sexuality, you take away his identity. Your sexuality will be there, playing an active role, from the moment you ask a woman out. In fact, without sexuality, men wouldn’t date. They were playing video games and eating pizza. Our sexuality is what gets us women interested in the first place, and that’s a good thing.
Do you think God gave you a sex drive just to torture you until you get married? There are lots of things God does that I don’t understand, but He is not cruel. Many people confuse sexual urges with sinful desires. Although sexual urges, like all readers, can become sinful, they are holy in their raw state. Yes, I said Saint. Your libido comes from God. If you don’t think it’s Holy, take it with him.
The trick we have to take away is Holy, healthy expression of our sexuality before marriage. It’s not easy, but it can be done. It will look different to different people, but it needs to be expressed. Otherwise, he will force his way out. Look at the Internet pornography crisis plaguing the church. Men die for a way to kiss and express their sexual urges. You can’t ignore your sexuality, and you can’t white – Knuckle your way through life until your wedding night. Your sexuality is not bad. It is neither sinful nor dirty. It is a gift from God, and we need to find a way to embrace this gift before marriage.
